|
|
Sunday, September 11th, 2011
|
|
Thursday, August 18th, 2011
|
|
|
i am almost done the first chapter of this novel
i haven't been this happy with something i've written in a year and a half. kinda took this dopey/not so good idea and really made something out of it. one of those times when it went in an unexpected direction and came out a lot better than i expected. i didn't think it was too good of a way to start to this novel, now i think this is the only way this novel could have started. haven't experienced that in a while.
it feels strange saying this but i haven't been this happy in an insanely long time. guess i figured out the problem.
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, June 8th, 2011
|
|
|
|
once you give up completely, it is difficult to care about anything again
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, March 24th, 2011
|
|
|
third year in a row a friend of mine randomly passed away. there was even less notice about this one.
granted, i didn't know this guy awfully well. he was a co-worker of mine for most of 2009. that doesn't usually mean a whole lot. you could share a cubicle with someone for years and know nothing about them beyond their name. most of the time you just brush past them before they disappear back into the crowd. i guess fundamentally this guy wasn't too different. i don't have any singular memories of good times we shared, or laughs we had, or some emotional opening up. i would nod and say good morning when i'd pass him in the corridors, even if it was the evening. i have a fuzzy memory of him being confused by this at first, but quickly realizing it was some silly habitual greeting i employed and never got around to stopping.
despite the already fleeting nature of this relationship, i could tell this was a different sort of person than what i'm used to. we get a lot of youngsters in my work. kids so diverse in nature that i couldn't really begin to really categorize them, short of your typical naivety, blind boldness, and usually high strung attitudes. good folks on the whole, i suppose, but young. my friend in question, on the other hand, was older, but that wasn't exactly what defined him, although i guess part of it would naturally be the contrast. he had a very humble nature, and i remember being acutely aware of this immediately. didn't dress particularly well, didn't have great posture, spoke slowly, and rarely talked about himself. a bit of a shadow, i guess. i remember some other co-workers thinking he was probably a little dense, but if nothing else i know not to dismiss people on such superficial terms. i was assigned to show him the ropes and give him an introduction to the new job, which happened to be during a particularly chaotic period with confusion in the ranks, assignments that weren't clear and subsequently weren't getting done effectively, and everyone being slightly on-edge. i guess i had a bit of a routine in doing these introductions, where i explain it all very bluntly, tossing in some light-hearted humor when appropriate. breaking it all down to show how much chaos and order they'll need to adjust to. it wasn't some vastly premeditated thing, just a sort of impromptu smattering of the job and what i thought about it, more or less. i did this a couple times with new employees, and almost invariably got little to no reaction from the individual. blank stares, or that terrible go-get-em attitude that we're told we should continuously exhibit. but this guy was different. i could see him thinking about it all, putting it together and taking it apart. he laughed when he was supposed to, even when the joke wasn't very funny, asked the right questions when i wasn't being clear, and seemed curious about the chaos that lay before him. cautious, but amused. i remember thinking that there was more to this guy, although i admit i was so preoccupied with work that i probably didn't give it much thought until much later. as i said, he was a shadow, behind which stood something which i could only discern from the vague outline it projected.
time passed and he became one of the gang, even though he was older and stood slightly apart from the rest of the mass. due to the nature of the job at the time, my memories of him are more cumulative than singular, but he was always a calming influence, and an encouraging figure. when you spoke to him, you felt as though he was always listening and giving you his full attention, never preoccupied or disinterested. not to say that he was submissive, or took himself that much less seriously as he took others, but you got the distinct notion that he cared about the correlation between himself and others, as if he possessed the phenomenally rare and infinitely valuable belief that being spoken to by another living person was a privilege rather than a right. in light of this, most people felt unusually close to him, even if most of us knew very little beyond his name, and what little suggestion of his life was dripped into conversation when appropriate.
there was no bullshit, no games. you'd speak, and he'd listen. really listen. he'd speak, and you knew he really thought about what you said, and endeavored to say something worthwhile in return. something you'd be interested in, something meaningful, something honestly funny, something disarming. something that would invariably make you feel good or comfortable, not for any personal gain, but because it was the right thing to do. the days he was around were always better, more reassuring, more honest, more interested. he treated people the way he wanted to be treated, and you just hope that he felt that warmth was returned.
found out later he was an artist, musician, late-bloomer, all sorts of things. didn't know that, but i somehow wasn't surprised. i was a little shaken when i stumbled upon his creative portfolio and saw that he had much the same foolish aspirations as i've had, just artist rather than writer. really just a small step to the left on that line running off into eternity. i guess that's all it took.
it feels strange talking about someone i barely knew in this filthy, pretentious way, but i guess i feel like i owe his memory that much. how many people do you really know who touched your life, even in some minor way, and left things better, even if only slightly? do you know the value of that when it happens?
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Friday, February 25th, 2011
|
|
Friday, January 7th, 2011
|
|
|
dug the hole too deep. am in china. don't know the way back.
can't go through the hole again.
|
|
Thursday, December 23rd, 2010
|
|
|
|
i was raped and murdered by schrödinger's cat
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Saturday, December 4th, 2010
|
|
Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010
|
|
Wednesday, November 10th, 2010
|
|
|
everything is chaotic and meaningless
went back to my old job. to avoid rambling inconsequentially, the place is totally fucked up now. was a great place to work, now everyone is on edge, afraid of being unproductive and getting perpetually bombarded with 70+ hour work weeks.
there was something reaffirming about working there. the people were generally good and even if things began to seem rather bleak, the zeitgeist of that place kinda made you feel like you'd get by. that's all gone now. everyone is completely empty and hopeless, and they know it.
it's so bad i'm finding people turn to me when they need to vent and/or recover, or just have someone to put things in perspective. when you experience some sort of redemption of faith in life, however slight, from a guy whose only waking thought is "I BET I COULD SOLVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS IF I JUST WENT OUT AND BOUGHT A FIREARM" you have lost pretty much everything already.
i don't know where i stand in life at the moment. my thoughts have grown so profoundly dismal that i dare not repeat them to others, and the internal strength i use to propel myself through life is limited and mindless. but despite everything, i'm still me. i'm consciously aware that i am not as mentally healthy as i [allegedly] had been in past stages of my life, but i'm aware of the fact that i haven't allowed myself to grow completely ruined by circumstance. i wouldn't say that i'm stronger or wiser, but i've been able to keep much of what's important intact.
apparently i wrote that like a week ago and closed the browser before posting it, but it saved it so i'm going to post it again since it's pretty representative and nothing that will make me feel VULNERABLE. i guess i was frustrated at my feeble attempt at optimism at the end there.\
whatever
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Sunday, October 31st, 2010
|
|
|
working again, back at my qa job
if nothing else i have slightly less time to be miserable
|
|
Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, September 29th, 2010
|
|
|
nearing year 16 of existential despair
I WOULD THROW A PARTY BUT THE ONLY INTRINSIC VALUE ANYTHING IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE POSSESSES IS ITS INTRINSIC LACK OF VALUE
|
|
Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
making a literary portfolio for another job i'm not going to get
it's hard filling out the dialogue section because most of the dialogue i've written lately is people finding innovative ways of swearing at each other and these ridiculous clusters of introspective/abstract shit that i feel like the world may be able to live rather comfortably without.
i have like 20 pages of dialogue in faceless of one of the main characters talking with a homeless guy. i like it very much, but i think all it will do is give me experience for when i am homeless and talking to other homeless people all day is my #1 hobby
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
|
i think i delete like half my journal entries because i think the thoughts i was having at the time are stupid
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, June 17th, 2010
|
|
|
there's really no semblance of honesty in my life outside my writing. i don't even know if this is accidental or by choice, but i'm completely cut off from everybody right now, FLOATING INCIDENTAL ON THE WIND. i'm just realizing it but i've been this way for a very long time.
not to say that i don't have meaningful relationships, but i don't really feel like i have that close connection with anybody anymore. i felt like i did at certain points in my life, and there were people with whom i could share all those groggy thursday evening thoughts. i lost this at some point, and i'm not totally sure how it happened.
the shit i write can't change the subject or ignore me. i don't notice its eyes wander to something more interesting. it has to listen, and that's why it's there.
i stopped writing this entry here and my thoughts turned to amark. i completely lost it. i was sobbing so furiously my head begun to hurt. the last time i remember doing that was when i realized that he really was not going to make it.
i remember him jokingly saying how he had no intention of being HUNDLEY'S WEEPY LIVEJOURNAL BUDDY. i think he's become the focus of every other entry i've made on here lately.
ahhahaha fuck you amark this was going to be an entry about ME but you had to go ahead and get me to make it another one about YOU. you brown bastard!!!!
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, June 10th, 2010
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.2){kind=small}
hundley's journal